Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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