Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
