nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
