woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
