don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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