I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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