remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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