beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
