You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
