we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
