not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
