Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
