it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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