i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
