he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize