Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
