I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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