you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The air was thick with penises
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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