I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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