my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
