why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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