my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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