Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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