I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
