oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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