I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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