I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
