Duck Duck Cougar?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
