Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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