i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
