I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
