my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize