I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
