3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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