I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Congratulations! We have a period
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