my phone needs a breathalizer
mondays should just be called national damage control day
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize