Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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