and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
