my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
