too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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