dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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