You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
