I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
