Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
