The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
