just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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