Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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