So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
