Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
