I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize