the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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