i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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