My hand turned me down
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
